I really feel like writing tonight and there's no real reason. As in, there's no major anything that's happened lately to warrant an entry. And there hasn't been. For a long, loooooong while.
Life just ain't happening. And it's not life's fault, it's mine. Between trying to keep my head above water (unsuccessfully) to dealing with romantic issues (unsuccessfully), I've come to the conclusion that a change is in order. I've even started buying music for the life I want to have.
My dream scenario: I somehow get out of my mortgage (I can't pay for it so that shouldn't be too difficult) and move somewhere in the British Isles. Could be Scotland or fucking Guernsey for all it matters, that's the place where I want to live. I'd get a decent editing job (one that pays me a living wage) and slowly build up my editing experience like I've been doing until I manage to get a job with an actual publisher. What I love to do is help people write. I've tried doing it on my own with absolutely no success. I'm not sure if it's a commitment problem or what but I just can't seem to...land. While I'm over there, I'll meet a charming, redheaded, leggy-but-not-tall Scottish girl with impossibly long hair that I will treat like a god damn queen. I say it that way because, as much as I would like to do that, recent attempts to do so have really dampened my spirits. Like I'm a door-to-door salesman trying to sell knives to Edward Scissorhands.
There are several reasons as to why this won't work: I have no savings, my family is here, I've never been outside of the country, my car has the steering wheel on the left side, I speak no other languages, I have only one year's experience in editing, and all of my appliances are American so the plugs won't fit. And those all seem like pretty big hurdles to jump.
Or maybe I don't mean any of it. For the first time in a VERY long time, I actually feel kind of lonely. And I don't get lonely. That isn't to say I don't have nights where I can't sleep (hello) and think about something stupid I said in middle school for at least an hour, I just mean that it's actually starting to bother me how little human interaction I am able to have on a day-to-day basis. I've actually tested myself to see if I could get through a whole day without saying a word and it wasn't even a struggle. I would wager that I've talked more to myself over the past week than I've talked to any single person in the past month. And that's just not a healthy place to be.
Am I supposed to keep struggling for the next 28 years until this place is paid off? Fuck that. Am I supposed to keep bending over backwards for people who are so wrapped up in themselves I doubt that they would even notice if I was even remotely depressed? That isn't meant to sound pitiable, I really mean that there's no point in spending time on people who don't want to spend time on you.
I do things for people because I want to be someone who does good things, who is sweet and kind and caring and loveable. I like to think I am. But experience has taught me to walk around with this 100-pound suit of armor on because I can't shake the feeling that it's all going to go wrong and it'll come out of nowhere and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it.
(And why did she have to email me? I mean, really, what was the point? It's so annoying. Why did she have to even tell me she was getting married? Before I was happy just to be talking but now, with as much as I keep seeming to find literally every song, movie and TV show about getting fucking married, I just want to tell her to walk into traffic. I don't even want to think/write/talk about it but my fucking brain has the Emo switch on full and I don't know how to turn it off. It's taking up much more of my computing power than I'd like to admit.)
I keep seeing it as running away but I think I just need to change my perspective. Either I'm running away or I'm looking for a change or I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm making a positive step when, in reality, I'm bending my aspirations to fit my situation or the universe is actually a hologram. It's one of those and it doesn't really matter which (although, if the universe is a hologram, I really shouldn't be so concerned).
To be completely honest, I just don't know. I don't know really anything. I get so upset with people who are having problems with those in their lives, whether it be significant others or friends, because they have someone there to get their back. Just having someone there to talk through your thoughts and feelings is a vast improvement over just talking to the dog. While the dog is sympathetic, he's really just thinking about food.
I want to believe tomorrow will be better than today. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and whom I love. I need my tribe. Where are you guys?
July 28, 2015 12:33 PM PDT
I like to read your writings. And I hope that since you posted this, things have improved, even if just a little? :)
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